Friday, April 13, 2007

Not sad. Just Life.

Today is/was/should be my mom's birthday. She died in 1995 from complications of diabetes. She was 54 years old and had been living with diabetes for 51 yrs.

She missed so many life cycle events: my girls b'nai mitzvah (they had their bat mitzvahs together), Mrs. H's wedding, the births of both my niece and nephew and so many other meaningful moments. I've been sitting here writing and re-writing what I'm trying to say. I've written and written and deleted and deleted. All of the stuff I wrote was too personal, too sad. If you have lost a parent, you understand. If you haven't, my wish for you is that you go well into adulthood before you understand. I had a good cry and the bottom line is that I miss her. I just wasn't through with her yet. Selfish but true. I just wasn't ready to give her up or live without her. I still need her guidance and example of dignity and strength. So now I'm the mom. I'm the one giving the guidance and setting the example. I only hope that I am doing my job as well as she did hers.

Memories that I typed but don't want to delete.......
- When I went off to college (I'm the oldest) my mom went into my room and sprayed some of the perfume I left behind just because she missed me. I was obviously touched by this knowledge because I still remember her face when she told me.
-Our moving to Texas was very difficult for both my children and parents. We were the first (actually only in our extended family) to move away. When my mom and dad came for their first (and only visit), they arrived before my girls were out of school. My mom was so excited to go pick them up. We were waiting by the van and my mom was anxiously scanning the children pouring out of the school. She kept saying, "Where are they? Where are they?" Mrs. S. (then Ms. S) burst out the door of the school. They caught sight of each other at the same moment and like a movie first walked and then began running towards one another. They met in the middle of the street and my mom just couldn't stop hugging Mrs. S. It is a memory burned into my heart.

Good memories.


Screen Door said...

Great story-- thanks for sharing... I don't think you ever get ready to lose your Mom.

KCQuilter said...

My mom died from diabetes-related problems too, but we got to keep her until she was 80. It's a dread disease and I wish they would find a cure for it soon. Thanks for sharing.

Nancy said...

I want to give you a hug, Morah. Yesterday was a hard day for me, too, as we buried a too-young woman who had had breast cancer.

Shelina said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My father died a few years ago. The pain goes away, but the emptiness rears it's ugly head from time to time. These are wonderful stories, and your mother was a wonderful person.

Mama Koch said...

My Mom also died at age 54 (from breast cancer). I can still see her in my mind, but wish my boys would've gotten to spend more time with her.
I still remember just a few days after she left us my Dad pointed at me and said "Mama isn't gone...she's standing right there"! That was the best compliment that I ever would've gotten in my life!
I just hope I'm half the Mama that I had.

swooze said...

I share the same sentiment and ask my mother to take care of herself because I am not done with her. Hugs to you my dear.

Julie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My mother is 57, diabetic and living on borrowed time. She's had 2 heart attacks and 6 bypass surgery. I know she could pass at any time or could live another 10 years. I am 31. I don't even want to consider the pain you've experienced or that I some day will experience this too.


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